I just keep fucking losing!
$550 for a traffic ticket.
$731 for new insurance.
$250 insurance lapse fee because for some reason it was active a week later even though I paid for it in full the day I fucking bought it.
8 hours of holiday pay that my coworker got instead of me because he begged me for one of my work days, and I forgot September 2nd was labor day.
And that stupid roach in Texas never paid back my 4 grand.
I'm going to go fucking insane, sure I've had some moments of weakness where I did some bad things, and I even apologized. But $5.7k is too much for some petty karma okay!? What the fuck is life's deal with me!?
You're always pretty good at seeing what's over the horizon though. You'd always tell me that things will turn out okay after this. I'd believe you because it's never failed.
Look, I know it's just money. Hell, I give it away all the time with stupid favors. I have decent savings. I'll earn it all back within a few paychecks.
But it really hurts this time, and it feels like no one cares or is on my side. Whenever I overhear someone going through financial trouble I feel a need to help them, but I hesitate because you've been stern with me being generous. I fully understand why now, these people would never help me back.
Not my relatives, not my "friends," not even my coworkers. I can't rely on them for emotional support, let alone financial.
I don't think I'm depressed anymore, having you in my life for several years can't justify depression. But I know what being truly alone feels like now. It's not from having a lack of friends, it's much worse than that.
It's when no one will give you the same respect, time, energy that you give them. They'll never reciprocate what I do for them.
I wish I could just be a selfish bastard, but it doesn't sit right with my conscience. It's like putting on an itchy sweater and pretending it feels fine.
I don't know what the answer is to this loneliness question. Finding people who care doesn't work, but distance seems to help most. I didn't feel as miserable when I just focused on my personal goals instead of serving others. For a day or two I even forgot I was feeling lonely.
I'm hoping my bad luck goes away soon too, I can't keep gaslighting myself into thinking that doing favors for other people will translate into good luck for me. I don't know what causes my luck at all, I just want to keep it good obviously. Maybe it's on a wavelength and it'll bounce back from this fall.